By Vladimir O'Reilly
This chapter is about Opal, not Tim
Pullman and his erotic misadventures. Opal's parents gave her a stupid name,
but it's not her fault so try to cut her some slack. No, Opal and Tim are not
going to fall madly in love later on, don't worry.
If I could summarize Opal's life in
one word, it would be "a dazzling montage of human achievement". She
just got fired from her waitressing gig when she snatched a cigarette out of a
stubborn customer's mouth and took a few drags to relieve the stress she had
built up trying to get him to stop smoking in the patio area. She's taking
business courses at a community college. Because she wants to run a business.
That's why Opal was electrified to
get in on the ground floor of the new McDonald's they just built on the corner
of Harbor and Danish. Opal was the best damn drive-thru girl them McDonald's
boys had ever seen; to their dismay, Opal quit after just four shifts. Fat
Agnes the night shift manager was delighted, but she was a real bitch. One time
she told Opal to "lick her ass" when Opal came in two minutes late
from an impromptu lunch break because she was getting nailed by Rick Terrence
behind the dumpster. Ricky was renowned for his proficiency at picking up
chicks through the drive-thru window; what's an honest girl to do? Slick son of
a bitch invents some brilliant innuendo concerning pickles, thirty seconds
later a man and a woman discover that they love each other very much on a
sticky patch of pavement behind a trash bin at a fast food joint and knock
ankles. In some circles they call that the "magic of lovemaking".
Beautiful, isn't it?
Her parents were furious. "What
have we always told you, Opal," they cried, "no matter what you do,
be the best at it! Even if it's flipping burgers, you go out there and be the
best flippin' burger flipper out there!" This gave Opal pause. "What
if it's being a stripper," she replied thoughtfully.
Turns out Opal was a phenomenal
stripper just waiting for the chance to unleash her talents on the discerning
strip club community. Within three weeks she'd earned enough money to get out
of her temporary living arrangement giving free lapdances to this oily older
client who always ordered poutine, although it hadn't been a bad setup. He
never expected anything more than a lapdance, or at least he didn't say
anything if he did. Guy just wanted to eat some gravy fries and watch a plump,
attractive young girl bounce her ass around. Good for that guy.
Opal's best friend and roommate was
Ruby. Their relationship emerged from the sparkling interpersonal dynamism that
occurs when two people discover they both have names inspired by gemstones.
Their burgeoning passion for reckless cocaine consumption was the means by
which it flourished.
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